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IRISH TOAST

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

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Adult Riddles

Adult riddles

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.  

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. Do you know how Montana cowboys practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it's worth it.

Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"?

A. About three inches.

Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?

A. For traction in the mud.

Q. What's the difference between purple and pink?

A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.

Q. How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

A. Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

A. 5 minutes.

Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A. breasts don't have eyes.

Q. If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

A. The swallow.

Q. What is the difference between medium and rare?

A. Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

A. They don't have balls to scratch

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Female/Male Prayers

  FEMALE PRAYER

Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong

One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,

One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed,

When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,

Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,

Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"

I pray that this man will love me to no end,

And always be my very best friend.

Amen.

*********

MALE PRAYER

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs

who owns a liquor store and a bass boat.

This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit

  Amen.

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Want To Be A Firefighter

  A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walks over to take a closer look.

"That sure is a nice fire truck", the firefighter says with admiration.

"Thanks", the girl says.

The firefighter takes a closer look and notices the girl has tied her wagon to the dog's collar and the cat's testicles.

"Little Partner", the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.

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Official Announcement:

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!

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ENJOY!

WHY AM I MARRIED?

You have two choices in life:

You can stay single and be miserable,

or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,

"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"

"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:

"Husband Wanted"

Next day she received a hundred letters.

They all said the same thing:

"You can have mine."

When a woman steals your husband,

there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

A little boy asked his father,

"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

Father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."

A young son asked,

"Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa

a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"

Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

Then there was a woman who said,

"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,

and by then, it was too late."

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen and

pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it wasn't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"

Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."

A Woman's Prayer

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man , to love and to forgive him, and for Patience, for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll just beat him to death.

AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

Th e blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut up."

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Subject:  Monica's  Prayer

Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself in a mirror.

Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight was

depressing her.

In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help.

"God..if  you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you," she prayed.

And just like that, her ears fell off

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Andy Rooney said on "60 Minutes" a few weeks back:

I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers. The only things I

can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet

Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America.

Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment

Television, or Miss White America; and see what happens...Jesse Jackson will be knocking down

your door.

Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a

baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.

I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, that is why there are no girls allowed.

Girls belong in the Girl Scouts! ARE YOU LISTENING MARTHA BURKE?

I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is an opinion.

I have the right "NOT" to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off.

When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of the population is black,

that is not racial profiling, it is the Law of Probability.

I believe that if you are selling me a milkshake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room,

you must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have

to speak English!

My father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come

over and disrespect ours. I think the police should have every right to shoot your sorry a-- if you

threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word "freeze" or "stop" in English,

see the above lines.

I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan

programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop,

trinket store, or any other business.

We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms,

so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document; and

open to their interpretations.

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.

I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television. That doesn't stop you from watching them.

I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you

off, go and invent the next operating system that's better, and put your name on the building.

It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid; and

smack their little behinds when necessary, and say "NO!"

I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement.

And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you

serve me French fries!

I am sick of "Political Correctness." I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in

Africa; so how can they be "African-Americans"? Besides, Africa is a continent. I don't go around saying I

am a European-American because my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe.

I am proud to be from America and nowhere else. And if you don't like my point of view, tough...

THEN DON'T PASS THIS ON

I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE FLAG, OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA,

AND TO THE REPUBLIC, FOR WHICH IT STANDS, ONE NATION UNDER GOD,

INDIVISIBLE, WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL!

I was asked to send this on if I agree or delete if I don't. It is said that 86% of Americans believe in God.

Therefore I have a very hard time understanding why there is such a problem in having "In God We Trust"

on our money and having "God" in the Pledge of Allegiance. Why don't we just tell the 14% to Shut Up

and BE QUIET!!!

If you agree, pass this on, if not delete. . I AGREE

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"AIN'T" IT THE TRUTH!!!

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN

JAPAN) for 6am. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved

with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE

IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE

IN KOREA). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE

IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much

he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the

radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued

his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet another

discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for a while. He put

on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN

FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he

can't find a good paying job in.AMERICA.....

Keep this circulating

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Software Upgrade   

  Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. and now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Desperate

********************************************

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package,while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGH! T YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0.If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly. WAV files. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.

These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,

Tech! Support 

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need. GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

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Computer Gender 

  Women claim that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

Men concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. 

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  Signs Your Co-Worker Is a Hacker 

  Everyone who ticks him or her off gets a $26,000 phone bill.

Has won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes three years running.

When asked for their phone number, they give it in hex.

Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

Somehow gets HBO on their PC at work.

Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeeez!" 295 times during the movie "The Net."

Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.

Their video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons.

Instead of the "Welcome" voice on AOL, you overhear, "Good Morning, Mr./Ms.  President."

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Irish Joke

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.

After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland "

The other guy responds proudly,

"Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I!

And where about from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers,

"I'm from Dublin , I am."

The first guy responds,

"Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin ?"

The other guy says,

"A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says,

"Faith & it's a small world, so did I! So did I!!

And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers,

"Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited and says,

"And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers,

"Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims,

"The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!

I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight.

Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters,

"It's going to be a long night tonight!!!!"

Vicky asks,

"Why do you say that, Brian?"

"The Murphy twins are drunk again."

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12 Step Recovery Program For Web Addicts:

______________________________________

1.I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

2.I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3.I will get dressed before noon.

4.I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.

5.I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.

6.I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.

7.I will read a book... if I still remember how.

8.I will listen to those around me about their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.

9.I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10.I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11.I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

12.Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

 

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An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist

An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress. The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered. The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems. The computer scientist says "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"

_______________________________________________________________________________

An Airliner

At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?"

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard.

With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

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THE BLONDE AND THE LORD

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

She stopped, looked skyward, and said,

"IS THAT YOU LORD?"

The voice replied,

"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK"

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To my darling husband......

Dear John,

I am sending you this letter in a bogus software company envelope so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your IBM computer entered our lives two years ago.

The children are doing well. Tommy is 7 now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project. All the figures were good, but yours was excellent! The chair and the back of your head are very realistic. You would be proud of him.

Little Jennifer turned 3 in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jen, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.

I am also doing well. I went blonde about a year ago and was delighted to discover that it really is more fun. Lars--I mean Mr. Swenson, the department head, has taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all. I have discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you don't mind being vacuumed around, although that feather duster does make you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring. I'm not sure if you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut air holes in the drop cloth so you wouldn't smother. Well, dear, I must be going. Uncle Lars - Mr. Swenson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of thing while we are away. She'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup, and bring your meals to your desk, -just the way you like it. I hope you and IBM have a lovely time while we are gone.

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