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Subject: Skinny Dipping

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for years. He had a

large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe

courts, and some orange and peach trees. The pond was ideal for

swimming, although he rarely did that anymore. One evening he decided

to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look

it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket with which to bring back some

fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing

with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women

skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence

and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim

naked or to make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up

he said, "I'm h ere to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast.

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Why We Love Children

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.

"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,"answered the child innocently.

"You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

************************************************

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later...."Da-ad...."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"

"No, You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."

"WHAT!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

************************************************

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,

finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in

and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's

sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

************************************************

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her

son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a

tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.

"I can't dear," she said.

"I have to sleep in Daddy's room"

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy"

************************************************

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon.

All the children were invited to come forward.

One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the

pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes,

and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

************************************************

When I was six months pregnant with my third child,my three year old came into

the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said,

"Mommy, you are getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."

"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

************************************************

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,"Two plus five,

that son of a bitch is seven.

Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework,Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day "What are you teaching

my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son

of a bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two

plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

************************************************

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class.

She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.

She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is

falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit!

A talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

************************************************

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,"I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"

She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

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LEARNING TO PAY ATTENTION!

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In vet medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor:

The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

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I was driving with a friend of mine and ran right through a stop light, and he asked WTF are you doing? I said my brother does it all the time. I did this several times, and each time he looked like he just  looked like he  couldn't wait to get out of the car! Duh. Finally I slammed on my brakes at a green light, and he asking now WTF are you doing? I replied, my brother might be coming the other way!!  ;) ;)

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Justifiable Homicide.

 

A husband was in BIG trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.

"Tomorrow," his wife angrily told him, "there had better be something in our driveway that goes from zero to 200 in two seconds flat!"

The next morning, the wife looked outside and saw a small package in the driveway. She brought it inside, opened it ....andfound a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for her husband have been set for Saturday

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This is for the old ones that know what I am taking about.

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it

in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish

and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up

close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and

skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are

stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My

fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it

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This is a TRUE story...

My nephew and I were coloring at my parents' kitchen table on Thanksgiving.  My mom had just started the oven and my dad was tinkering in the cellar...when all of a sudden I smelled something.  I looked at my nephew and asked, "What is that smell?".  He looked up from his coloring and very nonchalantly proclaimed, "Oh, my balls stink".  I looked at him, aghast, and asked, "What did you just say?".  He rolled his eyes, impatiently, as if he was put out at having to repeat himself and proclaimed, louder, "I SAID my balls stink!".   I was so shocked and reprimanded him with all the distain I could muster, "You can't say that", I said sternly, "you just can't!".  He defensively responded, "Why not, I told Gramma the balls to my jacks set rolled under the stove and SHE started the oven anyway!"

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The Amish Hand Warmer

An amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." the mother replied "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose. The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"

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Baby's Exam - you'll love this one!

 

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for

the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, examined the

baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or

bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed" she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed

both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said,

"No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

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Two guys work in a factory,  the one is always late, ( the white guy), BTW i could be black.The black guy says why are you always late ? The white guy says , well, I get la*d every morning! Obviosly , the black guy says , how do you manage this ? Well, replys the white guy, I tell her poetry, then the question if what the hell kind of poetry do you tell her to get her to give it up?So he tells him ( Blonde beuty blonde beuty, W/ the big blue eyes, roll over on your back and let me carress your thighs, and she warms up to him!!! So the black guy assujmes the rest is up to him !  This was monday his partner told him how to fornicate regularly!                          Thursday the black dude strolls in..... all beat to sh*t, tore up lip, ..............goose egg on his skull,...........limpin' just messed up. Obviously the white dude asks him what the shit happened, So the  black dude says Fu*k off asshole, I'm not takin no more of your advice. Dying for his best friend to tell him what occured, he finally sqeezes the truth from the man @ the end of the day. So what happend? Well I tried to get me some , W you poetry, and said Black b*tch..black b*tch, W eyes like a frog , get over on your knees and let me do-ya like a dog!

                            Sorry , no offense but my third wife was black and she told me more jokes like that than I can remember, thats just one of my favorite  :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha:

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Subject: Proud Daddy

A Texan is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife has produced a Typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs. "That's about average down home, folks like I said, my boy's a Typical Texas baby boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW!". We heard one woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say you're the father of

that Typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious. "What happened? He al! ready weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says.................. "Had'em circumcised"!

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NEW WORDS FOR 2006 :

Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace (and elsewhere)!!!

1. BLAMESTORMING : Sitting around in a group, discussing

    why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

2. SEAGULL MANAGER : A manager, who flies in, makes a

    lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

3. ASSMOSIS : The process by which some people seem to

    absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than

    working hard.

4. SALMON DAY : The experience of spending an entire day

    swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

5. CUBE FARM : An office filled with cubicles

6. PRAIRIE DOGGING : When someone yells or drops

    something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the

    walls to see what's going on.

7. MOUSE POTATO : The on-line, wired generation's answer

    to the couch potato.

8. SITCOMs : Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive

    Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them

    stops working to stay home with the kids.

9. STRESS PUPPY : A person who seems to thrive on being

    stressed out and whiny.

10. SWIPEOUT : An ATM or credit card that has been

      rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

11. XEROX SUBSIDY : Euphemism for swiping free

      photocopies from one's workplace.

12. IRRITAINMENT : Entertainment and media spectacles

      that are Annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.

    The J-Lo and Ben wedding (or not) was a prime example - Michael Jackson,

    another...

13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE : The fine art of whacking

      the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

14. ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organizational layers

      beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the

      adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the

      problems they were designed to solve.

15. 404 : Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide

      Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could

      not be located.

16. GENERICA : Features of the American landscape that

      are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints,

      strip malls, and subdivisions.

17. OHNOSECOND : That minuscule fraction of time in

      which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after

      hitting send on an email by mistake)

18. WOOFS : Well-Off Older Folks.

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EWO    2

Boudreaux, the cajun fireman came home from work one day and said to his

wife, "Y know sumpin, we have a wonderful new system at de fire

station."

Bell 1 rings -- we put on our jackets,

Bell 2 rings -- we slide down the de pole,

Bell 3 rings -- we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go.

>From now on, when I says "Bell 1" I want you to strip naked. When I says

"Bell 2" you jump on the bed. When I says "Bell tree" we's gonna mek

love all tru the night.

The next night he came home and yelled "Bell 1", his wife strips

down, he yells "Bell 2", she jumps on the bed. Bell 3 and they are

off making love ,

After a few minutes the wife yelled out "BELL 4".

What the hell is "Bell 4"? He asked.

She replied: " Roll out more hose, you ain't nowhere near de fire."

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EWO    2

Well, what can you do when you have to steal from an email???  About the only true talent I have is enjoying food - used to be Olympia Beer(keg) then Coors (keg) but finally wised up - liver failure ain't pretty. SO,  fat, dumb and happy plus retired

Jim. :haha:  :haha:  :haha:

Got a couple that's pretty darn close, tho.

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EWO    2

Little Old Lady in court......

Defense Attorney:  Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:  I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:  Will you tell us, in your own

words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:  There I was, sitting there in my

swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when

a young man comes creeping up on the porch and ! sat

down beside me.

Defense Attorney:  Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:  No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:  What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:  He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:  Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:  No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:  Why not?

Little Old Lady:  It felt good. Nobody had don! e that

since my Abler died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:  What happened next?

Little Old Lady:  He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:  Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:  No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:  Why not?

Little Old Lady:  His rubbing made me feel all alive

and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:  What happened next?

Little Old Lady:  Well, by then, I was feeling really

"spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me,

young man. Take me!"

Defense Attorney:  Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:  Hell, no! He just yelled, "April

Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard!

This is a new drug dog they are trying out.  They say he can smell dope 50 yards away.

ATTE.jpg

:haha:  :D  :haha:  :D

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EWO    2

:haha:  :haha:  :haha:  :haha:

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

***********************************************************************************************************

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... No. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

************************************************************************************************************

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night"

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "

She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

*********************************************************************************************************

AND THE BEST FOR LAST...

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either

Jim  :haha:  :haha:  :haha:  :haha:

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EWO    2

:haha:  :haha:  :haha:  :haha:  :haha:

A man was in a long line at Target.  As he got to the register he

>> realized he had

>>

>> forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she coul have

>> some

>>

>> brought up to the register.

>>

>> She asked "What size condoms?"

>>

>> The customer replied that he didn't know.

>>

>> She asked him to drop his pants.

>>

>> He did.

>>

>> She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the

>> intercom.

>>

>> "One box of large condoms, Register 5"

>>

>> The next man in the line thought this wa interesting, and like most of

>> us, was up for

>>

>> a cheap thrill.  When he got up to the register, he told the checker that

>> he too had

>>

>> forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the

>>

>> register for him.

>>

>> She asked him what size, and he state that he didn't know.  She asked him

>> to

>>

>> drop his pants.

>>

>> He did.

>>

>> She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said "One box of

>>

>> Medium sized condoms, Register 5."

>>

>> A few customers back was a teenage boy.  He thought what he had seen was

>> way

>>

>> too cool.  He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live

>> female, so he

>>

>> thought thus was his chance.  When hegot to the register he told the

>> checker he

>>

>> needed som condoms.

>>

>> She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.  She asked him to

>> drop his

>>

>> pants and he did.  She reached over the counter, gave him a quick

>> squeeze, then picked

>>

>> up the intercom and said ........................

>>

>>

>> "Cleanup, Register 5"

:oops:  :oops:  :oops:  :oops:  :oops:  :oops:

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EWO    2

BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED, FOR IT IS THEY WHO LET IN THE LIGHT.

Let's see if I understand how the world works lately...

If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work,he blames the restaurant.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer,your family blames the tobacco company.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, he blames the bartender.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of crazed person blames the airlines.

So, if I die while my old, wrinkled butt is parked in front of this computer,

I want all of you to blame Bill Gates...okay?

:haha:  :haha:  :haha:  :haha:  :haha:  :haha:

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BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED, FOR IT IS THEY WHO LET IN THE LIGHT.

Let's see if I understand how the world works lately...

If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work,he blames the restaurant.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer,your family blames the tobacco company.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, he blames the bartender.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of crazed person blames the airlines.

So, if I die while my old, wrinkled butt is parked in front of this computer,

I want all of you to blame Bill Gates...okay?

:haha:  :haha:  :haha:  :haha:  :haha:  :haha:

I think you just nailed it.  :haha:

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