jkandra

Funny Stuff

4,723 posts in this topic

                :haha:          Here is another COP one !!!          :haha:

A police officer pulled a guy over for speeding.

Officer: May I see your drivers license?

Driver: I dont have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owners card for this vehicle?

Driver: Its not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: Thats right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owners card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: Theres a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. Thats where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: Theres a BODY in the TRUNK???

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Whos car is this?

Driver: Its mine, officer. Heres the owner card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if theres a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but theres no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said theres a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I dont understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didnt have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, Ill bet the lying son of a bitch told you I was speeding, too.

:haha:    :haha:    :haha:    :haha:

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Subject: GRANDMA'S BOYFRIEND

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with

his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and

said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa

went to heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom

and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and

the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started

adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she

started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door,

and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her

boyfriend."

The minister fainted.

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Subject: Little Johnny

A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep & It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating".

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

The teacher sat down and cried .

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Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt

guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he

couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every

once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that

said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner

to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're

single. Just let it go..."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to

reality, whispering: ....

Dave

Dave

Dave

You're a Veterinarian !!

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DRIVING

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to

report that her car has been broken into. She is

hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've

stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal

and even the accelerator!" she cried

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the

way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in.

"Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by

mistake."

________________________________________

FAMILY

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house

together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She

puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other

sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The

94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and

see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I

going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at

the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.

She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never

get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll

come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's

at the door."

_______________________________________

"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were

playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other,

"Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied,

"it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in,"So am I.

Let's have a beer."

_______________________________________

ROMANCE

A little old lady was running up and down the halls

in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the

hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked

up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown

at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a

moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the

soup."

_______________________________________

MORE ROMANCE

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The

husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a

romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used

to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he

reached across, held her hand for a second and tried

to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said:

"Then you used to kiss me. "Mildly irritated, he reached

across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down

to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you

used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed

clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?"

she asked. "To get my teeth!"

_______________________________________

DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the

retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the

air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my

hand can have the sex with me tonight!!" An elderly

gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

_______________________________________

OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.

Over the years, they had shared all kinds of

activities and adventures. Lately, their activities

had been limited to meeting a few times a week to

play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one

looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at

me... I know we've been friends for a long time ...but I just

can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I

can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes

she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said,

"How soon do you need to know?"

_______________________________________

SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his

car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice

urgently warning him,"Herman, I just heard on the

news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate

77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's

not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

______________________________________

DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car -

both could barely see over the dashboard. As they

were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The

stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The

woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I

must be losing it . I could have sworn we just went through

a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to

another intersection and the light was red again.

Again, they went right through. The woman in the

passenger seat was almost sure that the light had

been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.

She was getting nervous At the next intersection,

sure enough, the light was red and they went on

through. So, she turned to the other woman and said,

"Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three

red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?"

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A couple in their nineties are both having problems

remembering things they decide to go to the doctor

for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're

physically okay, but they might want to start writing

things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

His wife asks, "Where are you going?"

"To the kitchen" he replies.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can

remember it?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd

better write it down because you know you'll forget

it."

He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice

cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll

forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she

retorts.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I

can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with

strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for

goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the

kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says -

"Where's my toast?

 

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"

Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new  hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but

it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

" Twelve thirty."

 

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get

a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris

walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman

on his arm.

A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and

said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc. 'Get a

hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've

got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream

parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a

stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana

split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "arthritis."

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How to cook a turkey 

1. Go buy a turkey

2. Take a drink of whiskey

3. Put the turkey in the oven

4. Take another two drinks of whiskey

5. Set the degree at 375 ovens

6. Take three more whiskeys of drink

7 Turn oven the on

8. Take four whisks of drinkey

9. Turk the bastey

10. Whiskey another bottle of get

11. Stick a turkey in the thermometer

12. Glass another yourself pour of whiskey

13. Bake the whiskey for four hours

14. Take the oven out of the turkey

15. Take the oven out of the whiskey

16. Floor the turkey up off of the pick

17. Turk the carvey

18. Get yourself another scottle of botch

19. Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey

20. Bless the saying, pass and eat out

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"For everyone who has ever had or given an evaluation". These are

  actual quotes taken from Federal Government employee performance

  evaluations.

  1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has

  started to dig."

  2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

  3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a

  definite won't be."

  4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

  5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

  6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

  7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

  8. ! "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

  9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."

  10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

  11. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

  12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

  13. "He's been working with glue too much."

  14. "He would argue with a signpost."

  15. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

  16. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

  17. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

  18 "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

  19. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

  20. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

  21. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

  22. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

  23. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

  24. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

  25. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

  26. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm"

  27. "One neuron short of a synapse."

  28. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

  29. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."

  30. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"

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:haha:  :haha:  :haha:  :haha:  :haha:

ALWAYS THOUGHT GREEN SNAKES WERE OK?  READ ON........ Green Garden Grass snakes can be dangerous, Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. A couple in Sweetwater,Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.  It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.The husband who was taking a shower ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was.  She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the leg.  He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted. His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance.  The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.

About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher.  That's when the man broke his leg and why he is in the hospital. The wife still had the problem of  the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man.  He volunteered to capture the snake.  He armed himself with rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.  But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around.  She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her laying there passed out tried to use CPR to revive her. The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

An ambulance was again called and it was determined that the injury required hospitalization.  The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake.  She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.  By now the police had arrived.  They saw the unconscious man, smelled the, whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred.  They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.  They called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife. Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it.  He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa.  The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire. Meanwhile the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing.  Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire-truck had started raising his ladder as they were halfway down the street.  The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area.  Time passed ----------------  Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was re-built, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world -------  About a year later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night.  She shot him.

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:haha:  :haha:  :haha:  :haha:

HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM  WISCONSIN? ABSOLUTELY A TRUE

STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT.

A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 (with monthly payments of

$760.00).

He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin.  It's mid-winter; and of

course all of the lakes are frozen.  These two guys go out on the ice with

their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR.

They decide they want to make a natural looking open water area for the

ducks to focus on, something for the decoys to float on.  Now making a hole

in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little

more power than the average drill auger can produce.

So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a

short 40 second-fuse.  Now our two Rocket Scientists,  afraid they might

slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and

becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the following course of

action: they light the 40 second fuse.  Then, with a mighty thrust, they

throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the

GUNS, and the DOG...???

Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING.

Especially things thrown by the owner.  You guessed it: the dog takes off

across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with

the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice.

The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their

necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog

to stop.  The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps coming.

One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog.  The shotgun is

loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab.  The dog

stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on.

Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused

and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane.  The

dog takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new Navigator.

The men continue to scream as they run.  The red hot exhaust pipe on the

truck touches the dog's rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under the

truck and takes off after his master.

Then " "" "" "" "" " BOOOOOOOOOOOOM "" "" "" "" "" ! !

The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the

two idiots standing there with "I can't believe this just happened" looks on

their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use

of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy.  And he still had yet to make

the first of those $760.00 a month payments.

The dog is okay. . .doing fine. 

:haha:  :haha:  :haha:  :haha:  :haha:

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:haha:  :haha:  :haha:  :haha:  :haha:

A salesman drove into a  small  town where a circus

was playing. A sign

read:

  "Don't Miss  The  Amazing Italian". The salesman

bought a ticket and  sat

down.

There, under The Big Top, in the centre ring,  was  a

table with three

walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an  old

Italian.

Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants,  whipped out

his huge male member

and smashed all the walnuts with  three  mighty

swings! The crowd erupted in

applause and the elderly  Italian was  carried off on

their shoulders.

Fifteen years  later the  salesman visited the same

little town, found the

same  circus and saw the  same faded sign that read,

"Don't Miss The Amazing

Italian". He  couldn't believe the old guy was still

alive, much less  still doing his  act! He bought a ticket.

Again, the centre  ring was  illuminated. This time,

however, instead of

walnuts, three  coconuts  were placed on the table.

The Italian stood before

them,then suddenly dropped his pants and smashed the

coconuts with three swings

of  his amazing member. The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted,  the  salesman requested a meeting with

him after the show.

"You're  incredible!! " he told the Italian, "but I

have to know  something.

I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts.

Why the  switch  from walnuts to coconuts?"

"Well," said the Italian,  "My eyes  aren't what they

used to  be."

:haha:

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Your right EWO they must really have to much time on their hands. To do things like that.

That is a real funny. THANKS

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:haha: :haha: :haha: :haha:

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exact ly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.

For a video to see how beer works click on web site below:

http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf

:D :D :D :D

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:haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha:

Some may think this is funny and some may disagree.

Subject: Fwd: Letter to Dad

     

-----

A FATHER PASSING BY HIS SON'S BEDROOM WAS ASTONISHED TO SEE THE BED WAS NICELY MADE AND EVERYTHING WAS PICKED UP.

THEN HE SAW AN  ENVELOPE PROPPED UP PROMINENTLY ON THE CENTER OF THE BED. IT WAS  ADDRESSED, "DAD"

WITH THE WORST PREMONITION, HE OPENED THE ENVELOPE AND READ THE LETTER WITH TREMBLING HANDS:

 

DEAR DAD,

IT IS WITH GREAT REGRET  AND SORROW THAT I'M WRITING THIS. I HAD TO ELOPE WITH MY NEW GIRLFRIEND  BECAUSE I WANTED TO AVOID A SCENE WITH MOM AND YOU.

I'VE BEEN FINDING REAL PASSION  WITH BARBARA AND SHE IS SO NICE EVEN WITH ALL HER PIERCING, TATTOOS, AND HER  TIGHT MOTORCYCLE CLOTHES.

BUT IT'S NOT ONLY THE PASSION, DAD - SHE'S PREGNANT AND BARBARA ASSURES ME THAT WE WILL BE VERY HAPPY.

EVEN THOUGH  YOU DON'T CARE FOR HER SINCE SHE IS SO MUCH OLDER THAN I AM, SHE ALREADY OWNS  A TRAILER IN THE WOODS AND HAS A STACK OF FIREWOOD ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE  WINTER.

SHE  WANTS TO HAVE MANY MORE CHILDREN WITH ME AND THAT'S NOW ONE OF MY DREAMS TOO.

BARBARA TAUGHT ME THAT MARIJUANA DOESN'T REALLY HURT ANYONE AND WE'LL BE GROWING IT FOR OURSELVES AND TRADING IT WITH HER FRIENDS FOR ALL THE COCAINE AND ECSTASY WE NEED.

IN THE MEANTIME, WE PRAY THAT SCIENCE WILL  FIND A CURE FOR AIDS SO THAT BARBARA CAN GET BETTER; SHE SURE DESERVES  IT!!

DON'T WORRY, DAD, I'M 15 YEARS OLD NOW AND I KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.

SOMEDAY I'M SURE WE'LL BE BACK TO VISIT SO YOU CAN GET TO KNOW YOUR GRANDCHILDREN.

YOUR SON, JOHN

P.S. DAD, NONE OF THIS IS TRUE. I'M OVER AT BILLY'S

HOUSE.

I JUST WANTED TO REMIND YOU THAT THERE ARE WORSE THINGS IN LIFE THAN MY REPORT CARD WHICH IS IN MY DESK CENTER DRAWER.

I LOVE  YOU!

PS: CALL ME WHEN IT'S SAFE TO COME HOME.

:haha: :haha: :haha: :haha:

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I would have to say that that was righteously funny as heck.  :haha:

Hope none of my daughters try that one.  :haha:

That would give me gray hairs, if I did not have any by then.  ;)

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:D :D :D :D

This is some good kid humor. Hope you enjoy.

CHILDREN AND RELIGION

    A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

    "Sixteen," the boy responded.  His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.

    "How do you know that?"

    "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said, 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

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