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EWO    2

:haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha:

THINGS I HAVE LEARNED LIVING IN LOUISIANA:

1. Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air

2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in LOUISIANA.

3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in LOUISIANA plus a couple no one's seen before.

4. If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.

5. Onced and twiced are words.

6. It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.

7. Fire ants consider your flesh as a picnic.

8. People actually grow and eat okra.

9. Fixinto is one word.

10. There is no such thing as "lunch". There is only dinner and then

there is supper.

11. Ice tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when

you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!

12. Backards and forwards means "I know everything about you."

13. Jeet? is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"

14. You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time

it is. You work until you' re done or it's too dark to see.

15. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them.

YOU KNOW YOUR FROM LOUISIANA IF:

1. You measure distance in minutes.

2. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

3. You use "fix" as a verb. Example: "I'm fixing to go to the store "

4. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit,

vegetable, grain, insect or animal.

5. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both

unlocked.

6. You know what a "DAWG" is.

7. You carry jumper cables in your car...for your OWN car.

8. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.

9. The local papers cover national and international news on one page

but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.

10. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

11. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm".

12. You know all four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and

Christmas.

13. You know whether another LOUISIANAN is from NEW ORLEANS, north or

south as soon as they open their mouth.

14. Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as"goin'

Wal-martin"or off to "Wally World"....Mall Mart

15. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good

pinto-bean weather.

16. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola or pop...it's a Coke,

regardless of brand or flavor. Example: "What kinda coke you want?"

17. Fried catfish is the other white meat.

18. We don't need no stinking driver's ed....if our mama says we can

drive, we can drive.

19. You understand these jokes and forward them to your friends from

LOUISIANA (and those who just wish they were). Not EVERYONE can be a

LOUISIANAN, it's an art form and a gift from God!

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

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You got it tommie. Thats if you let it bother you. The gray hairs that I got is from my wife worrying about everything and constantly complaining to me about everything. It never stops. Everyday complain, complain and on and on. It is nice that the weather is nice that I can go outside to get away from the complaining. She dose most of the worrying. This is how it goes. YES DEAR, YES DEAR on everything. Then she starts on me like it is my fault. That sucks. Oh well. thats married life. SORRY for crying about it.

But you do worry about the boys that they go out with. But you learn that is their life and that they need to make their own misstakes in life to learn. That is all part of growing up.

But the wife won't let them grow up to make their own misstakes. Thats why she worries

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EWO    2

:haha: :haha: :haha: :haha:

Subject: The Guys' Rules

     

>

>      The Guys' Rules

>      At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally, the

>      guys' side of the story.

>      We always hear "the rules"

>      From the female side.

>      Now here are the rules from the male side.

>      These are our rules!

>      Please note.. these are all numbered "1"

>      ON PURPOSE!

>

>      1. Men ARE not mind readers.

>

>      1. Learn to work the toilet seat.

>      You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.

>      We need it up, you need it down.

>      You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

>

>      1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon

>      or the changing of the tides.

>      Let it be.

>

>      1. Shopping is NOT a sport.

>      And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

>

>      1. Crying is blackmail.

>

>      1. Ask for what you want.

>      Let us be clear on this one:

>      Subtle hints do not work!

>      Strong hints do not work!

>      Obvious hints do not work!

>      Just say it!

>

>      1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every

>      question.

>

>      1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it.

>      That's what we do.

>      Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

>

>      1 A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a

>      doctor.

>

>      1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

>      In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

>

>      1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect

>      us to act like soap opera guys.

>

>      1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.

>      Don't ask us.

>

>      1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the

>      ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the  other one .

>

>      1. You can either ask us to do something

>      Or tell us how you want it done.

>      Not both.

>      If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

>

>      1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during

>      commercials.

>

>      1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

>

>      1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.

>      Peach, for example, is a fruit, not! A color. Pumpkin is also a

>      fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

>

>      1. If it itches, it will Be scratched.

>      We do that.

>

>      1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like

>      nothing's wrong.

>      We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

>

>      1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an

>      answer you don't want to hear.

>

>      1. When we have to go somewhere,

>      absolutely anything you wear Is fine.. Really.

>

>      1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to

>      discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,

>      or golf.

>

>      1. You have enough clothes.

>

>      1. You have too many shoes.

>

>      1 I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

>

>      1. Thank you for reading this.

>      Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know

>        men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

:haha: :haha: :haha: :haha:

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So very true.

Thats why God gave them two sets of lips, so they could piss and moan at the same time.  :haha: :haha: :haha:

I'm Glad I'm a Man

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Everyday I give thanks to God

I was born a man instead of a broad

When Oprah comes on, I turn off the TV

I don't shave my legs, I stand up to pee

I go to a barber, not a beauty salon

Don't pluck out my eyebrows just to draw them back on

Don't wax my pubes so I can wear shorts

I use my turn signal, I understand sports

Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man

Tell you the reason I am

I don't go through a faze every 28 days

Man, I'm glad I'm a man

I pay cash at the grocery, no checks or coupons

Don't take a lot of friends when I go the the john

I don't throw a fit when I break a nail

I don't buy a lot of shoes just because they're on sale

I don't apply makeup in my rear-view mirror

I don't think of Bambi when I'm out hunting deer

I drink beer from a bottle, not from a glass

I don't ask my friends about the size of my ass

Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man

Tell you the reason I am

I don't face the pain of water-weight gain

Man, I'm glad I'm a man

Let me tell you ladies

Listen to me ladies

I love those things inside of your blouse

I love your pretty faces

Your warm and soft embraces

But if I had my own two boobs, I'd never leave the house

I don't spend two hours getting ready for a date

I don't play with dolls unless they inflate

When someone asks me my age, I never lie

After sex in bed, my spot's always dry

I don't read about orgasms in Vogue magazines

I don't mind if my dates try to get in my jeans

I don't spend a fortune on French lingerie

This is the same underwear I wore yesterday

Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man

Tell you the reason I am

I don't take a pill, I don't use Massengill

Man, I'm glad I'm a man

Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man

Tell you the reason I am

I find Michael Bolton completely revoltin'

Man, I'm glad I'm a man

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EWO    2

Just imagine being the man running the chainsaw.

Crocodile attacks chainsaw in Australia

Associated Press

SYDNEY, Australia - A 14 1/2-foot crocodile mauled a chainsaw a worker was using Friday to clear up debris left by a tropical storm that lashed northern Australia. While the croc and worker were both uninjured, the saw's woodcutting days are over.

Freddy Buckland was cutting up a tree that fell against a crocodile enclosure at the Corroboree Park Tavern, 50 miles east of the northern port city of Darwin when the crocodile, called Brutus, apparently took exception to the chainsaw's noise and attacked.

"As he was trimming up the tree on the outside the croc jumped out of the water and sped along the tree about 18, 20 feet and actually grabbed the chainsaw out of his hands," said Peter Shappert, the tavern's owner.

"It must have been the noise ... I don't think he was actually trying to grab Freddy, but I'm not sure. He had a fair go at him ... I think he just grabbed the first thing he could and it happened to be the chainsaw," Shappert added.

Neither Buckland nor Brutus were injured.

The saltwater crocodile, which Shappert said he now is considering renaming Two-stroke in honor of the saw's fuel, appeared to like the snack.

"He chewed on the chainsaw for about an hour-and-a-half, then we finally got it out," Shappert said, adding that the saw was destroyed when it finally was retrieved from Brutus' giant jaws.

Saltwater crocodiles have been known to attack small power boats, apparently because they do not like the noise of outboard motors.

Got the link if anyone wants it.

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EWO    2

Now Everybody - This is just a joke, don't get bent outta shape if it hits your sensitive spot.

Mod.  --Delete it if I'm wrong for post this.

Gotta love those Texans!!

Dallas ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 911 -- You are cleared

to land eastbound on runway 9R."

Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared

to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised !!"

Dallas ATC "Tower to Iran Air 721 -- You are cleared

to land westbound on runway 9R."

Iran Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to

land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great !!"

Pause: Static.............

Saudi Air: "DALLAS ATC! DALLAS ATC!!!"

Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?"

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE

SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS!!! WE ARE ON

A COLLISION COURSE!!! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!

Dallas ATC: Well bless your hearts. Y'all be careful

now and tell Allah "hey" for us -- ya hear?

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EWO    2

  :D

An interesting little known fact

      THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU

      NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS, BUT THERE ARE MORE

      CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS (in Vegas).

      NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPPERS AT SUNDAY

      SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN

      CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.

      SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS,

      THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT

      THE OFFERINGS.

      THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A

      NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND

      THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN

      AND CASHED IN.

      THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.

      YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU???

:haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha:

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EWO    2

:haha: :haha: :haha: :haha:

Steve was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him.  The new guy was an absolute wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear.

"Hey, pal, what's the matter?" Steve asked.

"Oh man...I've been transferred to Louisiana," the other guy answered.  "There's crazy people in Louisiana and they have shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, the highest crime rate..."

"Hold on," Steve interrupted, "I've lived in Louisiana all my life, and it is not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."

The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Steve, "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck in Shreveport!"

:haha: :haha: :haha: :haha:

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EWO    2

:haha: :haha: :haha: :haha:

US Navy's New Catch and Release Program

U.S.Navy releases Al Qaeda Terrorist - I can't believe it!!!!!

The US Navy today announced that it has released a senior Al Qaeda terrorist after questioning him extensively for 27 days while being held prisoner aboard a US aircraft carrier in the Arabian Sea.

In a humanitarian gesture, the terrorist was given $50 US and a white 1962 Ford Fairlane automobile upon being released from custody.

The attached photo shows the terrorist on his way home just after being released by the Navy.

http://i70.photobucket.com/albums/i105/jamekwilson/NavyCatchRelease.gif

GO NAVY!

:haha: :haha: :haha: :haha:

 

 

   

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EWO    2

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and a lot of things that took two arms.

One day he had had it. He decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was  standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still  have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless  and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and  he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms. The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again.

He  asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"

He said,  "I'm NOT happy .... my a$$ itches

:haha: :haha: :haha:

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funny site. i found one that fits testmynet better though...

A couple years ago, I tried to get in on field testing of cable modem service in the Chicago area. I was calling to order cable TV anyway, so after setting up my cable TV account, I asked the guy if the field tests for cable modems were available in my area.

Cable Guy: "Cadle Mobem?"

Me: "Cable Modem."

Cable Guy: "We don't have that."

Thinking his reply was a bit too quick, I asked him to go and check with his supervisor as to whether the service was available. He put me on hold. No less than ten minutes later, he came back.

Cable Guy: "Did you say Cadle Mobem?"

Me: "Cable. Modem."

Cable Guy: "Hold on."

Five more minutes on hold.

Cable Guy: "Is that like email?"

Me: "Yeah. Kinda like email."

Cable Guy: "We don't have that."

I gave up and found through other sources that, indeed, it was not available in my area. Now that I have one, though, I can't help but call it a "Cadle Mobem."

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