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Driving in Dallas -- Funny & mostly True.


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First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is

DAL-LUS, or DAA-LIS depending on if you live inside

or outside LBJ Freeway.

Next, if your Mapsco is more than a few weeks old, throw

it out and buy a new one. If in Collin County and your

Mapsco is one day old, then it is already obsolete.

Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere.

Dallas has its own version of traffic rules..."Hold on and pray."

There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase

in Dallas. We all drive like that.

All directions start with, "Get on Beltline"...which has

no beginning and no end. (IT REALLY DOESN'T!!!)

The morning rush hour is from 6 to 10. The evening rush

hour is from 3 to 7. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday


If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended,

cussed out and possibly shot.

When you are the first one on the starting line, count to

five when the light turns green before going, to avoid

crashing with all the drivers running the red light in


Construction on Central Expressway is a way of life and a

permanent form of entertainment. We had sooo much fun

with that we have added George Bush Toll Road and the

High Five to the mix.

All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh,

we're in Fort Worth!"

If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is either a

factory defect or an "outsider."

Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators, and remember,

it's legal to be armed in Texas.

All old ladies with blue hair in Mercedes have the right of way.

Period. And remember, it's legal to be armed in Texas.

Inwood Road, Plano Road, NW Highway, East Grand, Garland

Road, Marsh Lane, Josey Lane, 15th Street, Preston Road...

all mysteriously change names as you cross intersections.

(these are only a FEW examples).

The perfect example is what is MOSTLY known as Plano Road.

On the south end it is known as Lake Highlands Drive, cross

Northwest Highway and it becomes Plano Road, go about 8 miles

and it is briefly Greenville Ave, Ave K, and Highway 5. It ends

in Sherman.

If asking directions in Irving or SE Dallas, you must have

knowledge of Spanish. If in central Richardson or on

Harry Hines, Mandarin Chinese will be your best bet. If you

stop to ask directions on Gaston or Live Oak, you better be

armed. (And remember, it's legal to be armed in Texas.)

A trip across town (east to west) will take a minimum of four hours,

although many north/south freeways have unposted minimum

speeds of 75. The minimum acceptable speed on the Dallas North

Toll Road is 85. Anything less is considered downright sissy.

The wrought iron on windows near Oak Cliff and Fair Park is

not ornamental!!

It is possible to be driving WEST in the NORTH-bound lane of

EAST NORTHWEST Highway. Don't let this confuse you.

The North Dallas Tollway is our daily version of NASCAR.

LBJ Freeway is called "The Death Trap" for two reasons: "death"

and "trap."

If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend. If it's

10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, the Fort Worth Stock Show

is going on.

If it's rained 6 inches in the last hour, and it is springtime the

Fort Worth Stock Show is going on.

If it's rained 6 inches in the last hour, and it is springtime, the

Byron Nelson Golf Classic is in the second round. If it is autumn,

then the State Fair is in full swing.

If you go to the Fair, pay the $8.00 to park INSIDE Fair Park.

Parking elsewhere could cost up to $2,500 for damages,

towing fees, parking tickets, etc. If some guy with a flag tries

to get you to park in his yard, run over him.  Its probably not

his yard anyway.

Any amusement parks, stadiums, arenas, race tracks, airports,

etc., are conveniently located as far away from EVERYTHING

as possible so as to allow for ample parking on grassy areas.

Final Warning: Don't Mess With Texas Drivers.

Remember, it's legal to be armed in Texas

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