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The official Joke thread !

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Mr. Honda, of the Honda Motor Corporation, died and went to heaven for judgement. At the gates, St. Peter told Mr Honda, "since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Mr. Honda thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God. I have a question for Him".

St. Peter took Mr. Honda to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.

He then asked God, "Aren't you the inventor of women?"

God Said, "Ah, yes. Indeed I am".

"Well," said Mr. Honda, "Professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your design."

1- There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.

2- It chatters constantly at high speeds.

3- Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.

4- The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.

5- Plus the monthly down time and aggravation are outrageous, and don't even get me started talking about the maintenance costs.

"Hmmmm, you do raise some good points" replied God, "Lets have a wee look."

God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few things and waited for the results.

After a moment God said, "Well, it may be true that my invention seems to be flawed, but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

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St. Peter and Jesus are playing a round of golf.

on the 5th hole, a par 4 dogleg, jesus says to st. peter 'you know, i've seen arnold palmer make the tee shot over the water hazard, giving him only a short approach shot to the green, and he had an easy putt for birdy. i am the son of god, if he can do it, so can i.'

st. peter wisely holds his counsel and watches him tee up. to jesus' chagrin and st. peter's resignating shrug, it lands smack dab in the middle of the pond. Jesus looks vexed and strides out onto the water, finds his ball and retrns to the tee.

'right then, i think i know what i did wrong, i didn't have my grip relaxed enough.'

St. peter only grunts in reply. Jesus makes a few practice swings and then addresses the ball, in perfect form, he sinks the ball in the water. frowning he again proceeds to stride over the water to retrieve his ball, while St. Peter looks on. He tees up again, swings, hits and sinks it in the water. 'I am going to make this shot if it's the last thing i do.'

while he is busy wandering over the pond looking for his ball, a player from the next party approaches the tee, looks at jesus and turns to St. Peter. 'Who does that guy think he is, walking on water like that. jesus christ?' 'no,' replies saint peter,'he /thinks/ he's arnold palmer'.

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http://www.heise.de/ct/schlagseite/03/22/gross.jpg

http://www.heise.de/ct/schlagseite/03/14/gross.jpg

the caption: new hardware detected.

Airbus A310

Do you want to configure this device automatically?

start / cancel

http://www.heise.de/ct/schlagseite/03/01/gross.jpg

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Guest helloimtim

Medical News

In pharmacology all drugs have two names-a trade name and a generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol is acetaminophen, Aleve is known as napoxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin and Advil is ibuprofen.

The FDA has been lookin for a generic name for VIAGRA. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, its recently announced it has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix, and of course ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. is making an announcement today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

Pepsi's proposed ad campaign claims it will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink. This additive gives new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old fashioned stiff drink. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of Mount & Do.

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                                              Blondes & Maths

80,000 blondes meet in Dublin for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid Convention." The compere says "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid.

Can I have a volunteer?" One blonde steps up. The compere says to her "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds she says "Eighteen." Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering "Give her another chance, give her another chance." The compere says "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you here and the world wide press, I guess we can give her another chance."

So he says "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says "Ninety?" The compere sighs - everyone is crestfallen and the blonde starts crying and 80,000 girls start yelling "Give her another chance, give her another chance."

The compere, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says "Ok! One more chance. What is 2 plus 2?" The girl closes her eyes and after a whole minute eventually says "Four." Around the stadium 80,000 girls start yelling "Give her another chance, give her another chance."

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Asscons

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where  :) means a smile and :( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :-) and :-( respectively.  Well, how about some "asscons"? 

Here goes: 

  (_!_)  a regular ass 

  (__!__)  a fat ass 

  (!)  a tight ass 

  (_._)  a flat ass 

  (_^_)  a bubble ass 

  (_*_)  a sore ass 

  (_!__)  a lop-sided ass 

  {_!_}  a swishy ass 

  (_o_)  an ass that's been around 

  (_O_)  an ass that's been around even more 

  (_x_)  kiss my ass 

  (_X_)  leave my ass alone 

  (_zzz_)  a tired ass 

  (_o^o_)  a wise ass 

  (_13_)  an unlucky ass 

  (_

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True Story From A Novell NetWare SysOp

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

Tech Rep: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"

Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

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Technical Support

Why we should feel sorry for tech support people:

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was 'running it under Windows.' The woman then responded, 'No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine.'

Tech Support: 'OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'

Customer: 'I don't have a 'P'.'

Tech Support: 'On your keyboard, Bob.'

Customer: 'What do you mean?'

Tech Support: ''P' on your keyboard, Bob.'

Customer: 'I'm not going to do that!'

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Overheard in a computer shop:

Customer: 'I'd like a mouse mat, please.'

Salesperson: 'Certainly sir, we've got a large variety.'

Customer: 'But will they be compatible with my computer?'

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.

Customer: 'Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?'

I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that start something like this:

Customer: 'Hi. Is this the Internet?'

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to 'The Internet.'

Customer: 'So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?'

Tech Support: 'Yeah.'

Customer: 'And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?'

Tech Support: 'Uhh...uh...uh...yeah.'

Tech Support: 'All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon.'

Customer: 'That's why I hate this Windows -- because of the icons -- I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons.'

Tech Support: 'Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe it was meant to --'

Customer: 'I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in icons.'

Tech Support: 'Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a file cabinet...is 'little picture' OK?'

Customer: [click]

Customer: 'My computer crashed!'

Tech Support: 'It crashed?'

Customer: 'Yeah, it won't let me play my game.'

Tech Support: 'All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot.'

Customer: 'No, it didn't crash -- it crashed.'

Tech Support: 'Huh?'

Customer: 'I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my spaceship and now it doesn't work.'

Tech Support: 'Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.''

Customer: [pause] 'Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?'

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Microsoft Dinner 98

INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT:

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to

accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not

give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an

infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others

smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how

good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven.

Set the oven using these keystrokes:

mstv.dinn.//[email protected]%heat

Then enter:

ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.

If you have a Macintosh microwave oven, insert the dinner and press

start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

If you have a Unix microwave oven, insert the dinner, enter the

ingredients of the dinner found on the package label, the weight of

the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The

oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to

your specification.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your

oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the

dinner from the oven and enter:

ms.nodamn.good/tryagainagain/again.crap

This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave

and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your

oven vendor. The oven itself is obviously on the blink.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger

than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of

which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too

large to fit in your oven, you will need to upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the

chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety,

call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want

another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of

their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger

family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must

be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However,

that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get

thrilled in advance.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the

freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature,

not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

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Girl, Wine, Computer

Bill Gates dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him, 'Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.'

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured.

He then takes him to a massive colosseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.

Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says 'I'll take this option.'

'Fine,' says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room.

Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

'That was Bill Gates!' cried Lucifer. 'Why did you give him the best place of all?'

'That's what everyone thinks,' snickered Satan. 'The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't.'

'What about the PC?'

'It's got Windows 95!' laughed Satan. 'And it's missing three keys.'

'Which three?'

'Control, Alt and Delete.'

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New Priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceed to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp it.

2. There are 10 Commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 Disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. 9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the Cross as the Big T!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat Me".

12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as, "Mary with the Cherry".

13. The reccommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. Yeah God!"

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Computer Jokes - True Computer Story

I was helping someone set up his computer, and he wanted to log in with a password....now you have to understand he's got somewhat of a rebellious attitude and goes for the shock effect...so when the computer asked him to enter his password, he keys in 'penis'...I nearly fell off the chair from laughing so hard when the computer replied:

*** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH ***

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another tech support ticket

item hp laserjet 1100 i think, one of the first compact footprint vertical paperfeed cheapo personal lasers.

location: concession stand in cinema.

me: good evening, helpline etc blurb

them: our printer ain't printing.

at this point i know technical expertise in these cinemas was about early bronze age, if that.

m: ok, are there any lights flashing on the printer?

t: there were, but we just cleared a paper jam.

m: good, try printing again.

t: it's not printing.

m: ok, what exactly is it doing? is it not feeding paper, putting out empty sheet?

t: the paper got stuck again

m: oh, ok. then you should open the printer, remove the toner/drum unit and check for any bits of paper left in the printer that could prevent paper feeding properly.

t: i don't know how to do that.

m: well, just open the hatch, there are arrows marking a big black thingy inside, pull that out.

t: will i be able to get that back in?

m: under breath: doubtful

m: yes, no problem, it's easy

t: ok, i see the bottom of the printer.

m: ok, are there any bits of paper?

t: yes

m: remove them.

t: ok.

m: ok, then let's put it back together.

t: um?

m: yes?

t: should i remove the coin and the bottle cap as well?

yes, this was a printer at a concession stand in a cinema. things get dropped.

m: yes, that would be a good idea.

t: ok.

5 minutes or so of coaching them through reinserting toner/drum unit, closing lid, powering up. sigh.

t: ok, now it's printing.

m: wonderful. have a nice evening.

:whaa:

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