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Wouldn't It Be Great if . . . . . . .


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My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of Iraq regime has been completed.

Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete.

This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now to begin the reckoning.

Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there.

The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.

Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.

The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hellholes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.

Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.

In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth.

Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China.

I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.

I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York.

A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.

Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put em? Yep, border security.

Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now.

We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil in Alaska - which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there. They care. 

It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "darn tootin."

Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America.  To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thank you guys. We owe you and we won't forget.

To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic.

God bless America. Thank you and good night.

If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.

:D :D :D :D :D :D

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EWO :we agree on most of this.I am somewhat of an enviromentalist.But with care I think we could do both.But I will say this the Alaskan oil belongs to every citizen of the USA & if we allow it to be drilled the oil companies shouldn't be allowed to make a profit even if the United States government has to do the drilling.This profit from this oil should be used to take care of all the things the USA needs like rebuilding New Orleans.

I have even seen requests for Naive Americans needing wood stoves.If we are neglecting them to this point then some of the profit could go there.We sure don't have the money to send out of the USA.

On the Alaskan oil:They pump natural gas back into old wells because they have no way to ship it.In the great forsight the builders (our government) didn't build a natural gas pipeline with the oil one.Now they wont to build a second gas pipe line costing billions.We do have a pipeline fairley close that could be used .It belongs to Canada.But I,m sure we could work somethig out with them.

I would also send the UN packing.They should be in Geneva not in the USA.

I really think we have been lied to about oil & you can hit it almost anywhere on Earth you drill.They sure seem to be able to off shore drill almost anywhere so why not onland as well.It's not done because of diplomacy & economics.Because if they let us know this is possible the price goes down & the Middle East goes back to camel herding.

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cholla :   You hit the nail on the head.  Great piece.  If the US did not purchase any oil from the Middle East for  about two ( 2 ) months I wonder what the situation would be there.  Do they have a strategic storage site available ??  Are there that many 55 gal. drums available to handle their output???  What happened to " Oil For Food " ?  $ 70 /bushel for wheat, corn, soy beans, etc. sounds about right.  Or is that too low ???

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I read it. And did it with a presidential type voice :P

Let me know if your listening sometime - grab me on yahoo, another night I will do it for you again.

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