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sparky

Time for some humour, Post your jokes!

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Please post your funnies here, remember this is a family Forum! :)

A man approached the minister at his church...."Reverend," he said" We have a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's

very embarrassing, not to mention disrespectful. What can I do?"

I've noticed this and have an idea if you're up to the task," said the minister.

Take this hat pin  with you, I can see when Mrs. Jones is sleeping, and will motion to you, When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg with the hat pin.

In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said

nodding to Mr. Jones. "Jesus!" Mrs. Jones cried out as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the sharp hat pin.

Yes! You are correct, Mrs. Jones!" came the minister's quick reply.

Mrs. Jones then turned and glared angrily at her husband.

Soon, Mrs. Jones again nodded off. The minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning toward Mr. Jones. "My God!" howled

Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pain.

"Right again!" bellowed the minister, with a slight grin on his face.

Mrs. Jones again gave her husband a real hard threatening glare.

Before long though, she again nodded off. This time however, the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he

made a few hand gestures that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to sharply poke his wife with the hat pin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after  she bore him his 99th son?" 

Mrs. Jones jumped up and shouted, "You stick that thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it where

the sun don't shine!"

"Amen!" replied all the women in the congregation.

I thought it was funny!

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Slow Internet Connection ?

10 Ways You Know Your Internet Connection Is A Little Slow

1.  Text on Web pages displays as Morse Code

2.  Graphics arrive via FedEx

3.  You believe a heavier string might improve your connection

4.  You post a message to your favorite newsgroup and it displays a week later

5.  Your credit card expires while ordering online

6.  ESPN Web site exhibits "Heisman Trophy Winner" . . . for 1989

7.  You're still in the middle of downloading that popular new game, "PacMan"

8.  Everyone you talk to on the 'net phone' sounds like Forrest Gump

9.  You receive e-mails with stamps on them

10.  When you click the "Send" button, a little door opens on the side of your monitor and a pigeon flies out.

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A woman who can't swim is crying on the beach a man walks up to her and says why are you crying. She says "I've never been hugged" So the man hugs her half an hour later she is still crying "Why are you crying" he asks "I've never been kissed" Reluctantly he kisses her. 20 minutes later she is still sobbing. "Why are you crying" he asks "I've never been fcuked" She says. So he picks her up to the deep water and drops her. "Now your really Fcuked aren't you."

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Customer: "I'd like to buy the Internet. Do you know how much it is?"

Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"

Customer: "I would like an Internet please."

"Will the Internet be open on Memorial Day tomorrow?"

The Internet is running too slow. Could you reboot it please?"

Customer: "We're going on holiday for three months, can you suspend the Internet for us please

More @ http://www.rinkworks.com/stupid/cs_internet.shtml

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A teenage girl returned home from scholl and ask her mother,

"is it true that babies come out of the same place boys put their penises?"

The Mother replied, " Yes dear."

The Daughter said, "But then when I have a baby, won't it knock out all my teeth?" :twisted:

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A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening

and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked,  "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by

this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you,

I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?" The Rabbi then

offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out

and I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says,

"Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three

hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes and the Rabbi! replied,

"Take the poison."

:haha:

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How Many Women :After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past. "C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?""Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her."Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."

Two rednecks are out hunting. One falls out of the treestand, and is unconcious on the ground, so the 2nd redneck take his cell phone and dials 911. The operator says hello? My names bubby and my friend billy joe fell out of the tree stand and i think he's dead. The operator says " first sir lets make sure he's dead. So theres silence follpwed by a gun shot, and bubba picks up the phone and says  " now what"?

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Jim went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia.

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, Jim's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.  However, Jim noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them.  Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"

For lunch the old man made hamburgers.  Again, Jim was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are yo u sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them.  Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"

Later that afternoon, Jim was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.  Jim yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car".

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted ... "COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"

Meet Coldwater.....................

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Another one:

The Perfect Day - Her

8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses

9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale

9:30 Light Breakfast

11:00 Sunbathe

12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe

1:45 Shopping

2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs

3:00 Facial, massage, nap

7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing

10:00 Make love

11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

The Perfect Day - Him

6:45 Alarm.

7:00 Shower and massage.

7:30 Blowjob.

7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.

8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.

8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.

9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.

11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.

12:30 Blowjob.

12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.

2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.

3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap.

6:15 Blowjob.

6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.

7:30 Shit, shower, shave.

8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals).

9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero

10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries

11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave. Midnight Blowjob. Sleep

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